“Depression is stupid and not a thing that makes me a better writer. One time I went a whole year without writing and I stayed in bed and drank. Fuck your Bukowskisms. I want sunlight and love and running down some street I’ve never been on where it’s warm and cool at the same time and I’m smiling. I want nothing to ever be bad again- and I don’t mean that I want a life free of conflict, I mean that I want a life free of meaningless conflict. Not being able to will oneself to take a shower or leave the house is meaningless. There is nothing to be gained, no lesson to be learned from that kind of life. My heart is stale, my prose is stale. Give me fire if you want to hurt me. Give me something I can taste. There’s nothing romantic or mysterious about where I am. There’s nothing here worth holding onto.”—By Joshua Espinoza (via fleeten)
first dude: hey, im JOHN ROCKWELL, and im from BOSTON. *zooms in on him slicing up meat* im a BIG GUY so i always say GO BIG OR GO HOME. i work at a MEAT MARKET WHERE WE CUT UP SOME MEAT. i love me some meat! *sudden sad music* my dad, he uh… he was what inspired me most in the kitchen. i remember being a kid… and just watching him on the grill… he really inspired in me the love for cooking. *more sad music* *zooms in on the guy looking kinda sad* he passed away last year. i guess this is my way of kind of doing this for him. he is with me every day when im cutting up meats. he’s here with me today. *rock n roll music* THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW ME BECAUSE OF HOW I LOOK. THERE ARE MORE SURPRISES IN STORE! *dan anana nanananana*
second dude: hi, im tony lagforkgok and im from new york city. *funky jazz* i work at [italian restaurant] and i’ve served some of the greats. michael jordan… oprah… the list goes on. *more light jazz* i guess what really got me hooked was when my mom was cooking in the kitchen. she had authentic recipes and really knew her way around traditional italian cooking. *sad music* my mom… was just diagnosed with cancer. we’re all rooting for her. if i were to win this money i would pay for her treatment. *very sad music* i do everything for my mom. she’s everything to me.
third dude: *quirky music* my name is gary polk and some people think im WEIRD. *cuts to him doing something weird* i really love to make people happy with things they wouldnt normally expect! *cuts to him putting cotton candy in a blender and laughing maniacally* my other passion is SKATEBOARDING. *him skateboarding* *quirky music* i think maybe people underestimate me because i’m a little out there… *maniacal laughter* but that is their biggest mistake!
the woman: hey IM JESS BROWN AND I AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS. *ROCK N ROLL MUSIC* I AM TOUGH. SOME PEOPLE THINK BECAUSE I HAVE GREEN HAIR AND PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS, I SHOULDNT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THAT ABSOLUTELY IS NOT TRUE. I AM THE EQUAL TO EVERY MAN AND BETTER THAN ANYONE HERE. I AM NOT TO BE UNDERESTIMATED BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN. YOU WILL NOT UNDERESTIMATE ME. I AM A BETTER CHEF THAN ANYONE. *ROCK N ROLL MUSIC* I’M GONNA WIN CHOPPED BECAUSE OF MY ROCK N ROLL ATTITUDE
the woman loses in the first round
scott conant cries about raw red onions
alex guarnaschelli serves up some prime “are you fucking kidding me” looks when the italian chef fucks up something italian
amanda freitag tries to say something mean but it comes off too nice and one of the chefs says “thanks!” and she’s like “no that wasn’t a compliment” and DUN DUN DUN music plays
someone sweats into their food and im like ???? is that ok???
someone forgets an ingredient and ultimately doesn’t go home because another chef undercooked the pork why does that always happen whats so fucking difficult about pork
the chef with experience in pastry cooking doesnt make it to the dessert round
THE PERSON YOU WANT TO WIN NEVER WINS
WHATS THE FUCK UP WITH THAT
i hate this show i love this show its everything to me